Everything is good...

I deleted my last post because my feelings were hurt and I wrote it out of anger and feeling hurt. But I just want to say that we laid in bed for about 2hrs just talking and we said EVERYTHING. I told him how i felt, and he apologized and said he wasnt thinking at the time. He also said that he probably made it sound a little more than it was but he completely understood why i was angry with him and he even thanked me for sharing my feelings. And then, I wanted to make sure that we had everything out and that we werent done talking but wishing that we had said more. So we talked about the things he felt, and what I do that either angers or annoys him. And I told him my feelings about sometimes feeling unimportant, and jealous. He said that his friends have been asking and wanting to meet me (cuz i've only met a few) and that he was very happy that I will soon be getting every other weekend off, because he wants me to go to places with him and be a couple. And I told him about how completely unsecure I am in myself and how I always long for everyone to like me (even though I dont always show it). He totally understood and even though i dont see them in myself he listed off a bunch of things that make me special. I was feeling much better by this point. But I decided that since my mom keeps pushing and pushing this spiritual stuff on me, that we should probably talk about that too. And we did, I told him how I was feeling about religion and christianity and he completely understood. We talked a bit about his journey through it and we are on the same page with that now. By the end of our talk I feel 100times closer to him then I have before and I was so happy that I could share my feelings and he could share his. I thought this would be our first fight but even though it took a long time we were able to get everything out without feeling anger or yelling. And the closeness we shared just laying in bed together really helped to calm me down. I would totally recommend that to anyone else who doesnt want to scream and yell at each other when having a fight. I will definately be doing that again in the future.

Truly. Deeply. Madly.

I wrote this poem for my sister's wedding. And I actually read it in front of everyone :) I just thought of the title for it right now. Here it is just for you Cherise....


Under the soft glow of the moon, the perfect, ultimate unity is formed.
With mind, soul, heart, two halves become one.
As they walk hand in hand, sand slipping through toes and water washing up their legs.
No words are said or needed, the strength of their love carries across the waves
and stretches out among the sea.
Graystone, Ocean blue collied together and are lost within each others hearts.
Opening, reveling, showing every heartache, every love, every secret.
But none of it matters, all that matters is now, this moment,
this thrilling, mystical, heart-wrenching moment.
This love that has been so magically formed will always be truly, deeply, madly.

Seductive Ponderings

This poem can be confussing at first glance. The character is a man, who is uncomfortable with his attraction to women. He trys to focus his mind on anything but the women but only thinks of the things that make him unattractive and unappealing. The woman talking is the one in the man's mind. My moral for this poem is that in the end a weak man will always fall and eventually draw his last breath while the woman will remain strong and victorious....



Come my pretty men
Feel the curves of my body
Next to my pleasurable ways
Your life on land is worthless
Reach for me
Come
Come
Feel my smooth silky skin
There is no danger
No harm will come your way
Come to me
My pretty men

Toast and tea!
Toast and tea!
Does this man do nothing else
But toast and tea?

Slowly I sway my hips
Watching their eyes
Growing in awe
Their arms stretched out
As I let their fingers
Brush my soft skin

Everyday
Everyday
Dropping a coffee spoon full
Onto the ground
Counting one more time
Another day awake

Flowing skirts
Pass him
Watching the small smooth feet
Scurry past him

His hand rubs
His balding head
Maybe
Almost to small of feet

His eyes drop
Pebbles on the road
Seemingly unaware
Of my beautiful sisters
Dancing their seductive dances
Flaunting their round breasts
And hour-glass curves
He hears
Oh I know he hears
Our feminine moans and cries
His body shakes
As we laugh and sing

Leave your wives
Leave your children
No more be a prisoner
In your dark cruel world
Bring your wild desires
Your deep fantasies
Let me whisper
Soft pleasures in your ear
Oh come
Come and let me fill
The pains in your bodies

We continue to pry into his head
Though we sing our songs
To others
More attractive men
Luring them into our
Dangerous arms

He starts confidently
In complete control
Walking toward
The low shirts
And high skirts
Getting closer
He turns away
Mumbling
Time
Time
Time
Look what's become of me
When I turn around
I gaze at my mediocrity

Lonely
Desperate
But still only worrying about his
Balding look and thin arms
Laughing
We sing
Ignoring his side glances

Watch as the water hits my shoulders
Rolling down my body
Dripping to the ground
Run your fingers
Through my smooth hair
Pull my head back
And kiss my neck
Crush your human form
Slide your hands down
My silky soft skin
As you breathe your last breath
Come
Come to me
My pretty men

The Passion

I decided to document some of my poems here. That way they are somewhere just in case i lose the original. This poem is based on the the movie "The Passion of the Christ" The character is the view of the solider beating Jesus just before he is hung on the cross. It's harsh and cruel but it was a class assignment and i wanted to make my poem stand out from the rest.....


I run the whip along my hand
The hot leather sticking to my skin
It seperates into a thousand more strands
Falling between my fingers
Each a metal hook attached to its end
One catches my skin and feels like a jagged knife tearing my flesh
As a small trickle of blood runes down teh back of my hand
I can't imagine the pain that will come

The bring this man in
This man that calls himself the King of Jews
King of the Jews!
I spit in his face as he walks past me
Grab him by the shoulders
Lean close to his ear and whisper
"What God will save you now?"

How dare this man come and claim to be the messiah
What makes him so much better?
He's as ordinary as me
No!
Not ordinary
Not normal
He says he's free
A man with choices
Only in dreams are men free
Only in dreams do men have choices
Who is this Jesus?

His hands tied down so he won't run
Digging into his skin
There I stand
With the whip in one hand

I lift my arm
His head turns to face me
His tender eyes so pure
So innocent
So perfect
With disgust i strike his back
Hearing him cry out in agony
Like the slaves of Egypt

My own eyes dance with glee
How great it is to witness another man's pain
As long as it's not me
As I see the sweet red blood
Slowly start to flow from the wound
Desire and passion over come me

Again and again I rais the whip over my head
Driving my arm down with more force than the time before
People gather
And my joy increases
I start to yell out
Insult after insult
Curse after curse
Each word my raging passion takes me further
I whip faster and faster
Tearing the flesh
Longing to drain more life out of the open wounds

From the crowd
Comes a whimper
Like a child scared in the night
I stop
My arm hurts
My hand forming blisters
The leather has dug into my skin
A stream of blood runs down my arm

I look from my hand to the man before me
Laying limp across the ground
The puddle of blood
Drenching his hair
His robe stained red
He starts to get up
I whip the back of his knees
His face splashes into the pool of blood

The crowd has fallen into dead silence
Like at Mt. Sinai
They stare upon this blasphemous man
With guilt on their faces?
Again he dares to turn his head my way
Eyes filled with pure love

How can this man be so foolish?
Has my whip not taught him anything?
I tell the guards to turn him over
The leather now in my other hand
I walk around his body
My sandals soaking up his blood
Leaving scarlet footprints
He mutters words I barely hear
"Forgive them. Forgive them."
His innocence annoys me
His eyes follow mine
My whip will teach him yet

The whip hits him again and again
Ripping and tearing out flesh
Raw desires flows through me again
I only stop when I can't lift my arm anymore
I drop the whip

Women run up with white linens
Cleaning the deep wounds ...that I created
I walk up to his beaten body
Kneel down next to his ear

And whisper
"I saw no God"

My Dream Job...

There is a job out there for everyone. The kind of job that they just know its perfect for them. They love everything about it. And even the times that are hard and test your character, they take in stride and always look towards the positive.

I've found that perfect job. My dream job.

I work for Envision Community Living. My job title ... Residential Support Worker. I support, encourage, guide, and help adults that have an intellectual disability. Currently I am working in a home where the 3 most wonderful women live.

I am the weekend night staff (thurs, fri, and sat nights). My job is tough, trying to stay awake all night, cleaning the house, and of course the most important, supporting these lovely women in their day to day lives. It's thought that night staff dont really do much, but we sure do. I help the women bath, encourage them to go to bed at a decent hour, and my all time favourite, I am someone they can talk to with their emotional and physical problems at 3:00 in the morning. These women never have to feel alone and all the staff do a wonderful job in respecting their choices, giving them space when they need it, and at times having a talk when they've made a choice that isnt healthy or positive.

There's Wendy. A women with strong opinons and the ability to be stubborn when she's made up her mind. She definately has a heart of gold and devotes her whole self when she is placed into a situation. She's protective to those she cares for and will do anything she can for them.

Then Eva. Although Eva can be very moody at times. She definately makes the house interesting. Walking into the house, you never know what your shift is gonna be like. Eva has a nack for changing people she favors and when happy she's laughing, joking, hugging, and just being a joy to hang out with.

And then Ruth. The sweetest woman I've ever met. Although she's quite shy and quiet Ruthie is definately that one person that can make you smile when ever your having a bad day. She loves laughing and is constantly doing crazy things, like randomly dancing in the middle of the kitchen, or doing silly work-out routines that you cant help but laugh at.

Of course these 3 ladies have their good days and their bad days like the rest of us. But they live their lives with a joy in their heart that I've never seen in anyone else. They experience love, joy, anger, saddness, and through it all they radiate a beauty into the world that you just have to look at in awe.

My job teaches me to remain calm when a situation arises. To be patient and encouraging when someone needs a little more time. To work out problems in every day to day situations. And to not see a person's disability but to see all that they are capable of.